I'm so confused

I'm not going to lie, I do not handle (and I've never handled it well) drifting away from good friends. 

I knew this has been screaming to happen for ages. But did it have to come in this way?! 

I'm trying to understand. I'm begging God why he had to have this happen. Why this change? And why do I have to feel so strongly against what is happening? (sorry. I'm speaking very cryptically. I know I am. but just bear with me.) And why do I have this small twinge of guilt? If I hadn't crushed this persons hopes would they have turned out the way they were? I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. But then I remind myself that I shouldn't have to compromise who I am. 

here, I'll try to clear things up a little. I'm not very boy-crazy. Not to say that I am not very in to chic-flics, and daydreaming. I do my fair share of both. I just don't act on it. I don't know, I don't know how to explain it well. But when one of your really good guy friends starts to show interest I just.. idk.. Needless to say I didn't say yes. And I've felt horrible since. I feel responsible for some of the events that have happened. But why should I feel responsible? GROWL, the more I write of this, the more it begins to slowly morph into a typical melodramatic teen-aged girl's diary entry!

GRR. 

But I can't help that I feel somewhat uncomfortable around some people. 

The answer to the question we were asked today at lunch in Bible study: Because I'm afraid that some people will hate me for being this way. And that I would loose friends who always have the capability of making me break down into hysterical bouts of laughter.

(the question was: why do we sometimes hide what we are really feeling inside? Why do we make our outsides show something different?)

*Sigh*

Tomorrow I get to wake up at 5:00 AM. WHAT JOY! (for a jazz band festival.. waking up at 5:00 is pushing it too. haha)

I was going to blog about my feelings towards sports but I think I'll save that for another day. It would be really humorous, and I'm just not in the right mindset to write something really humorous. 

The solution everyone tells me: get different friends. But it's just not that easy. It's never that easy.

Sorry for that downer of a blog. Really and truly I am. Not that anyone reads my blogs anyway. I'm going to go straighten my hair and get ready for bed and then go to bed.

I hope you have a far better day than I have,

-Amanda

(but it's ok. There is a silver lining. God is preparing me for something big. I can feel it. He's still in control. He's never left me in the middle of all of this. He know's it will all work out.)