*sigh* <---- It seems like that is always my title..

I'm so confused right now.

He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...

and then there's

I like him, I like him not, I like him, I like him not...

BLAHHHHHHH

but on another note, because I just want to shove that deep down inside and forget about it meanwhile never talking about it again, I'm finished with all of my TCC finals. PHEW. so glad I'm done with my history class. I mean I have the same teacher next semester, but I'm going to stay positive!!!

Who was I kidding? I can't shove it deep down, I'm nearly EXPLODING.. I need to let it out.

Somewhere.. anywhere.. preferably somewhere where I won't look like a lunatic!!

Sometimes I wish that God would just have that "ahhhh" moment, you know shine the golden lights on the "perfect" guy for me. No more waiting nonsense, I'm really impatient you know.

And I was always really stubborn that it couldn't possibly be someone I already know.. And I was always so hard and closed about actual dating. I don't know.

and when I started to picture something with someone.. and they were kind of leading me on... and then they just started ignoring me and started flirting with my best friend?

NOW I sound like an over-dramatic teenage girl. grr..

But then to make matters worse, once I've convinced myself that I absolutely don't like them.. they start paying attention to me again!!

Of course I don't have the guts to say anything.. And if he were to "be a man" and say something himself. Deep down inside I don't think I would ever be able to admit my true feelings. I've been thrown on one unpleasant roller-coaster ride and I'm tired of it!!

I'm tired of having to watch where I step to make sure I don't step on anyone's toes. Or to make sure I don't offend anyone. Or to make sure I don't make anyone upset. For once I want to be truly happy, and I want to be able to express my true happiness without having to worry about making someone else feel bad. Is that selfish of me?

I'm just so frustrated right now, and I don't know what to say or what to do..

and I feel so distant and detached from everyone.

I don't feel God anywhere near and I feel that this is my fault- that I've gotten to self absorbed and cold-hearted.

And I hate it!!!

And self-conciously it's like I believe "if i just had this-- a boyfriend perhaps--- then I would feel whole" but that is so wrong. I'm not THAT needy, and I've survived 16 years of my life so far without one so why suddenly am I such a typical teenage girl you see in movies?

This is all so frustrating!!

I don't want to feel this way!!

oh yeah.. All district try-outs were today... I made second chair... Dylan is first.. At least I beat Da'shon?

Yeah, well..

I feel left out, what else is new?

something I do really well:

Shove my emotions deep down inside and act like nothing is wrong.

I don't really have anything to say.

I don't really have anything that needs to be said right now..

Um..

I just finished reading the Shack? I really liked the book and it challenged my thinking in many ways which was really cool. It kind of gave me a different perspective, I dunno a reality I guess is what I'm trying to say?

I want to sit down and talk about it with someone who's read it. Like my parents.. or Janice.. See what they have to say about it.

It's about to get really busy.. Last History "test" next week (I just have this test and the final and then I'm done for the class *phew*)

One more English Essay and then the In-class Essay and I'll be done with my "year" of english. haha.. I'm taking another english class next semester..

OHH.. I worked at the fair yesterday and I had a BLAST!

I got to hang out with some people I don't get a chance to hang out with very much, and talk to some people I wouldn't ordinarily talk to. It was nice.

AND I saw a zebra and Kangaroo.. in person.. And an Alpaca. haha

And DJ and I did the trampoline things.. and Hannah, DJ, and I rode the ferris wheel. yay.

And we got a free sample of this Sham Wow dusting thing.. (it just looks like a piece of felt though lol)

I will definitely help at the fair next year :)

It's Okay Ida, you Can Rain on my Parade.

Ok, so I didn't blog last night. oops..

I had a good day yesterday.

I don't really feel like going into much detail other than I really enjoyed yesterday, and I REALLY LOVE my family. ahahahhaahahahaha.. it's one of those "you had to be there" type things though. so yeah..

I Hate Marching in Parades

woooooooooooo...

So today I played offertory in church, and that was all good. It's always nice to have the opportunity to share my piano playing beyond my family and piano teacher :).

And then the rest of the day went as followed:

I curled up in bed with the covers to my chin, flipping channels. Nothing was on TV so I went to sleep at 1:22, dirty dancing was on and I didn't want to watch it and I thought something else might come on the next hour that's the only reason I remember the distinct time.

My mom came into my room once to get my laundry but I continued to sleep. Then she came in again at 3:30 telling me that she was going to the bookstore, grocery store, and TCBY but I didn't have to get up right then.

At 4:30 she came in again and laughed at me for still sleeping.

I finally got up and put on more apropriate clothing (I don't think my Christmas tree pajamas would be all that flattering haha).

and so we went to the bookstore.. and then to TCBY.. (they had banana flavored yogurt today. My favorite flavor and they rarely EVER have it!)

and... then we watched Prince and Me: Holiday Honeymoon.

It was good for just a regular sappy TV movie/chic-flick haha

ummmmmmm and that was it..

yay marching band is officially over (practices at least.. technically)

and Hurricane Ida is supposed to hit on Wednesday (cross your fingers.. because that's the day of the veterans day parade..)

*hides face in shame*

I said I wouldn't let this happen. I vowed to myself that I would be good at keeping up with a blog/journal type thing this time.. And I failed.. I'M SORRY. (I don't really know who I'm apologizing to.. myself?)

But could it be, that the reason I haven't been good at keeping it up is due to the fact that my life is extremely busy around this time of the year.. and I was to busy actually living my life? eh?

Well now.

My math class got out really early today (I love when class gets out early) so I'm just killing time right now.. I'm really hungry and I think I'm going to go find an atlanta bread company so I can get some soup in a bread bowl. yum.

But I thought that I would try to eat lunch at a decent lunch eating time so I'm not going to leave the library just yet.

What has happened the past.. two.. months...

Well.. After homecoming the swine flue went around school.. and a lot of people were sick.. so that was fun (NOT).

YAY

Our football team absolutely STINKS this year, we play Leon tomorrow... yikes..

I got first chair.

I started to play my trumpet again, and Myron dropped his trumpet case on my trumpet and now the mouthpiece is stuck. hahaha

I just finished "a call to die".. I gave up facebook/youtube/blogging (meaning reading other people's blogs) basically I gave up social networking sites.

I just finished a series of six videos (one video each week) for church.. and ended on a bang. My first succesfully green screen job YES (I was kind of afraid that I would miserably fail.. because all of my green screen attempts have been just that.. attempts.. just me messing around.. but this was for real..)

UMMM...

well.. yeah.. I guess I'm going to leave the library now..

I could've obviously written copious amounts of blog entries for each one of my points.. and various other deep down amanda things.. but I think I'll just leave it at this..

I'm off to eat me some chili :).