*sigh* <---- It seems like that is always my title..

I'm so confused right now.

He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...

and then there's

I like him, I like him not, I like him, I like him not...

BLAHHHHHHH

but on another note, because I just want to shove that deep down inside and forget about it meanwhile never talking about it again, I'm finished with all of my TCC finals. PHEW. so glad I'm done with my history class. I mean I have the same teacher next semester, but I'm going to stay positive!!!

Who was I kidding? I can't shove it deep down, I'm nearly EXPLODING.. I need to let it out.

Somewhere.. anywhere.. preferably somewhere where I won't look like a lunatic!!

Sometimes I wish that God would just have that "ahhhh" moment, you know shine the golden lights on the "perfect" guy for me. No more waiting nonsense, I'm really impatient you know.

And I was always really stubborn that it couldn't possibly be someone I already know.. And I was always so hard and closed about actual dating. I don't know.

and when I started to picture something with someone.. and they were kind of leading me on... and then they just started ignoring me and started flirting with my best friend?

NOW I sound like an over-dramatic teenage girl. grr..

But then to make matters worse, once I've convinced myself that I absolutely don't like them.. they start paying attention to me again!!

Of course I don't have the guts to say anything.. And if he were to "be a man" and say something himself. Deep down inside I don't think I would ever be able to admit my true feelings. I've been thrown on one unpleasant roller-coaster ride and I'm tired of it!!

I'm tired of having to watch where I step to make sure I don't step on anyone's toes. Or to make sure I don't offend anyone. Or to make sure I don't make anyone upset. For once I want to be truly happy, and I want to be able to express my true happiness without having to worry about making someone else feel bad. Is that selfish of me?

I'm just so frustrated right now, and I don't know what to say or what to do..

and I feel so distant and detached from everyone.

I don't feel God anywhere near and I feel that this is my fault- that I've gotten to self absorbed and cold-hearted.

And I hate it!!!

And self-conciously it's like I believe "if i just had this-- a boyfriend perhaps--- then I would feel whole" but that is so wrong. I'm not THAT needy, and I've survived 16 years of my life so far without one so why suddenly am I such a typical teenage girl you see in movies?

This is all so frustrating!!

I don't want to feel this way!!

oh yeah.. All district try-outs were today... I made second chair... Dylan is first.. At least I beat Da'shon?