I wish

I wish I had a shoulder to cry on.

I wish I hadn't of been so put out and annoyed with my dog that I allowed her to stay outside most of the afternoon.

I wish I knew where Maggie was..

I wish I still had my dog snuggled underneath the covers to keep my feet warm.

I wish I knew where she was.

Saying it out loud only makes it true.

She's missing and I don't know where she is (hence the missing part).

I feel kind of bad for coming out with it.. but I just have to get it off my chest...

WOW. that title looks like I'm trying to say I'm "Coming out of the closet" or something like that. I'm not IN the closet.. I'm not gay!!!

ok now that that's cleared up. This sums up all of my past cryptic blog posts from the past couple of weeks/months.

The reason I feel kind of bad for documenting it is because the whole thing sounds a little petty to me, and I'm upset that I let it go this far as of right now.

But I'm sure I'll get over this whole thing learn to laugh at it and genuinely not care. Move on if you will.

Because SOMEONE wonderful is out there for me :D and even if I do have to wait to realize it/or find them it will all be worth it <3.

OH, and this was a letter I wrote to Emilee.. because she point-blank asked me how I felt about this person and I didn't want to lie to her anymore.

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Where do I even begin? I feel like I’ve been lying to you—I haven’t REALLY been lying to you.. I just feel like I have.

Once upon a time there was this girl… let’s call her… Amanda….

She used to have this.. for lack of a better word… crush on this guy… (let’s call him… Chris..). But ever ounce and fiber of her being protested these feelings.. She used to speak so highly against any of her friends even remotely liking this guy. She felt that this guy was band news and every time she got near him she felt she had to put her heart on lockdown and “danger alert” sirens went out.

But somehow this guys penetrated her iron bars and someone was able to silence the blaring alarms going off.

This guy would lead her on.. and finally Amanda stopped fighting the alarm and she was fairly at ease..

And then randomly this guy started flat-out ignoring her.. And Amanda was very confused.

Amanda’s heart was just in a heaping mess, she started berating herself. She constantly went over in her mind the fact that she saw this coming and that she tried to prevent such thing occurring. She tried to warn herself that this guy was good about putting on the charm. And she even saw him flirting with other girls.. She was just massively confused and frustrated.

So she convinced herself that he was overrated and that surely God had someone far better planned for her. And she stopped caring about what this guy thought of her, or what girls this guy was flirting with.

Untill the guy started flirting with one of her best friends. At first the red alerts sounded again. She thought to herself that it was all up to her to protect her friend from falling in the same exact trap she had. But then the two just looked so cute together, and he seemed to of changed. He seemed to of genuinely cared about her and they had actually done stuff together. So she stepped back and didn’t say anything to her best friend and decided to just let it pan out and offer to be there in whatever circumstance.

When her best friend was expressing her confusion towards this guy showing attention elsewhere and Amanda said she understood completely her feelings. She wasn’t lying.

And when her friend also expressed her confusion and frustration towards someone she used to like who decided to ignore her and then when the person decided they didn’t care the other person started paying attention again.

I also understand.

This isn’t to say that Amanda still has strong and passionate feelings towards the guy. Amanda is mostly confused and every Wednesday seems to be an immense struggle and fight of emotions.

This isn’t also to say that Amanda’s friend should feel bad about liking “Psychotic people.” Because Amanda COMPLETELY understands and couldn’t be happier for her friend if they were to be with each other and be happy.

Because ultimately Amanda just wants her friend to be happy and she’ll just figure things out on the fly.

So enough of this third person… I’m just really confused and frustrated with the whole situation. And yes, at one point I did like this person in that respect but now I’m just REALLY confused.. And if you like him.. all I can say is go for it.

Lafdhpothr;lfdjh;oafidh klfgdjnf,m.ads lxl/jn bfdfz

That was me letting out my frustration and emotion J

*sigh* <---- It seems like that is always my title..

I'm so confused right now.

He likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not...

and then there's

I like him, I like him not, I like him, I like him not...

BLAHHHHHHH

but on another note, because I just want to shove that deep down inside and forget about it meanwhile never talking about it again, I'm finished with all of my TCC finals. PHEW. so glad I'm done with my history class. I mean I have the same teacher next semester, but I'm going to stay positive!!!

Who was I kidding? I can't shove it deep down, I'm nearly EXPLODING.. I need to let it out.

Somewhere.. anywhere.. preferably somewhere where I won't look like a lunatic!!

Sometimes I wish that God would just have that "ahhhh" moment, you know shine the golden lights on the "perfect" guy for me. No more waiting nonsense, I'm really impatient you know.

And I was always really stubborn that it couldn't possibly be someone I already know.. And I was always so hard and closed about actual dating. I don't know.

and when I started to picture something with someone.. and they were kind of leading me on... and then they just started ignoring me and started flirting with my best friend?

NOW I sound like an over-dramatic teenage girl. grr..

But then to make matters worse, once I've convinced myself that I absolutely don't like them.. they start paying attention to me again!!

Of course I don't have the guts to say anything.. And if he were to "be a man" and say something himself. Deep down inside I don't think I would ever be able to admit my true feelings. I've been thrown on one unpleasant roller-coaster ride and I'm tired of it!!

I'm tired of having to watch where I step to make sure I don't step on anyone's toes. Or to make sure I don't offend anyone. Or to make sure I don't make anyone upset. For once I want to be truly happy, and I want to be able to express my true happiness without having to worry about making someone else feel bad. Is that selfish of me?

I'm just so frustrated right now, and I don't know what to say or what to do..

and I feel so distant and detached from everyone.

I don't feel God anywhere near and I feel that this is my fault- that I've gotten to self absorbed and cold-hearted.

And I hate it!!!

And self-conciously it's like I believe "if i just had this-- a boyfriend perhaps--- then I would feel whole" but that is so wrong. I'm not THAT needy, and I've survived 16 years of my life so far without one so why suddenly am I such a typical teenage girl you see in movies?

This is all so frustrating!!

I don't want to feel this way!!

oh yeah.. All district try-outs were today... I made second chair... Dylan is first.. At least I beat Da'shon?

Yeah, well..

I feel left out, what else is new?

something I do really well:

Shove my emotions deep down inside and act like nothing is wrong.

I don't really have anything to say.

I don't really have anything that needs to be said right now..

Um..

I just finished reading the Shack? I really liked the book and it challenged my thinking in many ways which was really cool. It kind of gave me a different perspective, I dunno a reality I guess is what I'm trying to say?

I want to sit down and talk about it with someone who's read it. Like my parents.. or Janice.. See what they have to say about it.

It's about to get really busy.. Last History "test" next week (I just have this test and the final and then I'm done for the class *phew*)

One more English Essay and then the In-class Essay and I'll be done with my "year" of english. haha.. I'm taking another english class next semester..

OHH.. I worked at the fair yesterday and I had a BLAST!

I got to hang out with some people I don't get a chance to hang out with very much, and talk to some people I wouldn't ordinarily talk to. It was nice.

AND I saw a zebra and Kangaroo.. in person.. And an Alpaca. haha

And DJ and I did the trampoline things.. and Hannah, DJ, and I rode the ferris wheel. yay.

And we got a free sample of this Sham Wow dusting thing.. (it just looks like a piece of felt though lol)

I will definitely help at the fair next year :)

It's Okay Ida, you Can Rain on my Parade.

Ok, so I didn't blog last night. oops..

I had a good day yesterday.

I don't really feel like going into much detail other than I really enjoyed yesterday, and I REALLY LOVE my family. ahahahhaahahahaha.. it's one of those "you had to be there" type things though. so yeah..